Cat Humor

FOREWORD FROM A CAT
Humans have three primary functions; to feed us, to play with and give lots of attention to us, and to clean the litter box.  It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.  Humans need to know the basic rules.  They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.  The following are just a FEW of the many rules that we cats have in running a household – (To list all rules would most definitely clog up the whole Internet)

A CAT’S BASIC RULES FOR RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD

  • DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
  • CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on  the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
  • BATHROOMS: Always accompany a human to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.
  • WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and get as close as you can in front of the human, especially in the dark when they first get up in the morning.  A good alternative is the stairs when they have something in their arms. These exercises will help them with their coordination skills.
  • PLAY: This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. It is important though to maintain one’s Dignity at all times.  If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!” It fools those humans every time.
  • TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy.  Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs it and takes it away.  Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets where there are several types of cat toys.
  • PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to  see.  But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
  • SLEEPING: In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.  If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain.  Open windows are a good compromise.
  • BEDTIME: Cats need their rest, so always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
  • FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food.  Cats have two ways to obtain food; either by convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; or hunting for it yourself.

The preceding basic rules being adhered to, you will soon be on the way to having a smooth running household.